Pinkie Pie engages in political corruption
by SteadyGaze
In a stale-aired room in the governor’s mansion in the great state of Pen, a pegasus deliverypony barged her way through the door, disturbing the peace and shouting “Pizza’s here!” Of course, it was no deception; she carried with her a stack of several pizzas in cardboard boxes. She was expecting, if not some cries of adulation, at least a grumbled “thank you”, but when she surveyed the room, things looked rather… depressed.
Governor Morose Rose, the mare of the hour/day/week/month, was smiling an uncomfortable, rictus smile at the head of a conference table. A couple anonymous aides were sitting with their arms crossed. Soapbox was leaning forwards and at the end of delivering a short diatribe. She pretended not to hear about the pizza and continued, “You can’t not visit Ponyville again. It’s the largest village in the state. End of story! You have no path to reelection otherwise. Waltz is gaining momentum after promising the entire cake to everypony, and even if she weren’t, it makes no sense to not shore up support while you have the chance. Princess Twilight Sparkle has promised to host a fundraising dinner at the Castle of Friendship. Don’t you realize any politician would kill for that kind of implicit endorsement?!”
“I… see that the pizza’s here?” said Rose, nervously.
Soapbox leaned back, exasperated. “Pizza it is,” he said, resignedly. “But this conversation is too important to shut down.”
The pizzas of several varieties were laid out, from Veggie Lovers’, to Pineapple, to the classic Cheese, and most of the ponies excused themselves to happily munch on them, save for Soapbox and an aide, Clean File.
Clean File decided to try a subtler approach. “Surely there must be some reason for this. Is it some kind of scandal? It’s not unheard of for a politician to have made some… mistakes, Governor. Maybe we can send a fixer to deal with… whatever the issue is?”
“You can’t fix this thing. I made a promise… one I can’t weasel my way out of.”
File and Soapbox looked at each other blankly. Soapbox said, “By all accounts, your term has gone well. Every promise you’ve made, you’ve kept, as far as I can remember. Every powerful interest group has something to like! The economy is healthy; we’ve ended the dumping of sugar on the sugar market from the unscrupulous ‘sugar mafia’. Your bookish constituents have enjoyed far greater access to books with Twilight Sparkle’s arrival and the opening of the Crystal Library in Ponyville. Not your doing, but still. And let’s not forget that the florists have been in your corner since day one. What promise could you have possibly have made—”
“A [mumble mumble] promise…”
“Huh?”
“A [mumble mumble] promise…”
File and Soapbox just stared at him expectantly this time.
“Fine!! A PINKIE promise!”
More blank staring. There is no more effective interrogation method.
“A promise to Pinkie Pie!”
File said, “The… element of harmony? Oh, and Friendship Councillor! Um, I know she lives in Ponyville, but… what does she have to do with anything? You made a promise to her? She’s… just one pony, right?”
“You don’t understand, I— I’ll just tell you everything…”
Rose and an anonymous aide cantered down Main Street in Ponyville on a bright morning.
“Sugarcube Corner. Local bakery slash confectioner’s shop. The locals love this place. We’ve arranged for you to taste a new flavor. It’ll make you seem like an everymare when they put your photo in the paper tomorrow. Plus, the local baker is a celebrity.”
Rose gave a grunt of acknowledgement. “Naturally. Sweet treats were never my thing to be honest, but you gotta do what you gotta do to get elected.” They approached what was obviously the bakery, with a giant cupcake decoration on the outside. With no hesitation, they made their way inside, followed by a photographer.
Inside the shop, a pink mare stood behind the counter, greeting them. Rose flashed a practiced smile, like she’d done on so many campaign stops before.
“Greetings! It’s always wonderful to meet my constituents wherever they are! Governor Morose Rose, pleased to meet you!” She extended a hoof, which was shaken eagerly.
“Pinkie Pie! Baker and party planner extraordinaire!”
“I’m sure the community appreciates your skills. It always interests me to ask how my constituents have been faring under my tenure. How are you doing, Pinkie Pie?”
“Ah, well, you know, sugar prices haven’t been great lately—”
“Oh, I understand completely—”
“And by not great, I mean they’ve been going through the roof!!” she said, with a sudden anger. “Do you know how I’m gonna pay for a bakery and a dozen parties every month? I had to raise prices, and when I say it’s cause of ‘inflation’ when not discussing balloons, everypony leaves in disgust! I’ll have to start charging ponies to attend my parties, and nothing kills a party faster than trying to charge foals who have no bits!”
To Pinkie Pie’s obvious distress, Rose gave the best “sincerely concerned and on your side” look she had. “Oh, I’m so sorry… the sugar supply chain hasn’t been looking that great lately, and I can understand how the sugar shortage would affect your business a lot. But I believe our new trade policies are good for Equestria as a whole— they reduce the leverage Caballan merchants have with their unethical sugar cultivation practices. And I’m hopeful the new situation in the sugar market will encourage technological innovation that will normalize prices. In fact, Princess Twilight and I are involved in discussions—”
“Ha ha, you politicians with your silly words. Anyhow, I have a new cupcake flavor, specially prepared for you!!”
“Oh certainly, I—”
Pinkie Pie reached beneath the counter and produced a batch of jet-black cupcakes in one swift motion. As Rose opened her mouth to say, “Those look lovely!” or somesuch, Pinkie Pie had seized a cupcake and jammed it into her mouth. Another eyeblink later, and she realized something wasn’t quite right. Her tongue had been thoroughly inoculated with what was apparently…
THE MOST INCENDIARY SPICE KNOWN TO PONYKIND!
Rose, to her credit, held it in and flashed a smile to the photographer’s camera that the caption in the newspaper would later describe as “quirky”. In the ensuing milliseconds her tongue was transported variously to the lowest depths of Tarturus, the boiling lava pits in the badlands, and Mount Doom.
“I love it,” Rose said, as well as somepony could say with a completely numb tongue, to Pinkie Pie’s diabolical grin.
“I’m working on a few revisions.” Pinkie Pie waved a hoof dismissively as she said this. “If you ever come back to Ponyville, Pinkie Promise me you’ll come back to try it? And I’ll have you know… nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise,” Pinkie said, chillingly.
Her arm cocked itself, like a gun, with a cupcake attached. The threat was obvious. Rose could only nod feebly. There was no way to weasel your way out from under the wrong end of a cupcake-arm.
“Are you sure this is an effort by the Caballan sugar mafia to silence you?” said File.
“I believe it with every bone in my body. If I go back, I’m a dead mare,” said Rose.
“I find this a bit farfetched. To be fair, I wasn’t there, but… I mean…”
File and Soapbox continued with various excuses why things would be fine if she went back to Ponyville. Morose Rose knew she had good instincts, and she felt unconvinced.
It was four A.M. in a darkened alley. Pinkie Pie approached, a crazed look in her eyes.
“I neeeeed sugar,” she said, apparently to nothing but the darkness. “I’ve been trying to get my next delivery for ages!”
A chuckle could be heard as a sinister, deep-voiced figure in a trenchcoat stepped into a slightly-more-well-lit-but-still-quite-dark portion of the alley. “I’ve got what you want. But… I’ve been doing an awful lot of things for you lately, and the price of sugar ain’t gettin’ any better.”
“Name your price,” said Pinkie, with unexpected clarity. “Anything.” Her desperation was obvious.
“You must have heard about the gubernatorial elections in this great state? Well, it turns out your recent troubles can be mostly blamed on a certain Morose Rose. His ‘reforms’ to shut out Caballan sugar plantations have ruined the sugar market, and cost some very rich Caballans a pretty penny. It’s become clear that we need her out. We’ve heard she’s going to campaign a few more times in Ponyville. Put a stop to that. After Rose is out, I assure you, you can buy all the sugar you want.”
“Consider it done, sir. Anything for parties. You got my sample?”
The figure produced a 1-pound bag, which Pinkie Pie practically inhaled immediately. The figure responded with another chuckle.
“Fifteen kilos of Caballa’s finest are waiting at the drop-off point. Have a good evening.” The figure disappeared, and that was all.
Governor Morose Rose, the mare of the hour/day/week/month, was smiling an uncomfortable, rictus smile at the head of a conference table. A couple anonymous aides were sitting with their arms crossed. Soapbox was leaning forwards and at the end of delivering a short diatribe. She pretended not to hear about the pizza and continued, “You can’t not visit Ponyville again. It’s the largest village in the state. End of story! You have no path to reelection otherwise. Waltz is gaining momentum after promising the entire cake to everypony, and even if she weren’t, it makes no sense to not shore up support while you have the chance. Princess Twilight Sparkle has promised to host a fundraising dinner at the Castle of Friendship. Don’t you realize any politician would kill for that kind of implicit endorsement?!”
“I… see that the pizza’s here?” said Rose, nervously.
Soapbox leaned back, exasperated. “Pizza it is,” he said, resignedly. “But this conversation is too important to shut down.”
The pizzas of several varieties were laid out, from Veggie Lovers’, to Pineapple, to the classic Cheese, and most of the ponies excused themselves to happily munch on them, save for Soapbox and an aide, Clean File.
Clean File decided to try a subtler approach. “Surely there must be some reason for this. Is it some kind of scandal? It’s not unheard of for a politician to have made some… mistakes, Governor. Maybe we can send a fixer to deal with… whatever the issue is?”
“You can’t fix this thing. I made a promise… one I can’t weasel my way out of.”
File and Soapbox looked at each other blankly. Soapbox said, “By all accounts, your term has gone well. Every promise you’ve made, you’ve kept, as far as I can remember. Every powerful interest group has something to like! The economy is healthy; we’ve ended the dumping of sugar on the sugar market from the unscrupulous ‘sugar mafia’. Your bookish constituents have enjoyed far greater access to books with Twilight Sparkle’s arrival and the opening of the Crystal Library in Ponyville. Not your doing, but still. And let’s not forget that the florists have been in your corner since day one. What promise could you have possibly have made—”
“A [mumble mumble] promise…”
“Huh?”
“A [mumble mumble] promise…”
File and Soapbox just stared at him expectantly this time.
“Fine!! A PINKIE promise!”
More blank staring. There is no more effective interrogation method.
“A promise to Pinkie Pie!”
File said, “The… element of harmony? Oh, and Friendship Councillor! Um, I know she lives in Ponyville, but… what does she have to do with anything? You made a promise to her? She’s… just one pony, right?”
“You don’t understand, I— I’ll just tell you everything…”
Rose and an anonymous aide cantered down Main Street in Ponyville on a bright morning.
“Sugarcube Corner. Local bakery slash confectioner’s shop. The locals love this place. We’ve arranged for you to taste a new flavor. It’ll make you seem like an everymare when they put your photo in the paper tomorrow. Plus, the local baker is a celebrity.”
Rose gave a grunt of acknowledgement. “Naturally. Sweet treats were never my thing to be honest, but you gotta do what you gotta do to get elected.” They approached what was obviously the bakery, with a giant cupcake decoration on the outside. With no hesitation, they made their way inside, followed by a photographer.
Inside the shop, a pink mare stood behind the counter, greeting them. Rose flashed a practiced smile, like she’d done on so many campaign stops before.
“Greetings! It’s always wonderful to meet my constituents wherever they are! Governor Morose Rose, pleased to meet you!” She extended a hoof, which was shaken eagerly.
“Pinkie Pie! Baker and party planner extraordinaire!”
“I’m sure the community appreciates your skills. It always interests me to ask how my constituents have been faring under my tenure. How are you doing, Pinkie Pie?”
“Ah, well, you know, sugar prices haven’t been great lately—”
“Oh, I understand completely—”
“And by not great, I mean they’ve been going through the roof!!” she said, with a sudden anger. “Do you know how I’m gonna pay for a bakery and a dozen parties every month? I had to raise prices, and when I say it’s cause of ‘inflation’ when not discussing balloons, everypony leaves in disgust! I’ll have to start charging ponies to attend my parties, and nothing kills a party faster than trying to charge foals who have no bits!”
To Pinkie Pie’s obvious distress, Rose gave the best “sincerely concerned and on your side” look she had. “Oh, I’m so sorry… the sugar supply chain hasn’t been looking that great lately, and I can understand how the sugar shortage would affect your business a lot. But I believe our new trade policies are good for Equestria as a whole— they reduce the leverage Caballan merchants have with their unethical sugar cultivation practices. And I’m hopeful the new situation in the sugar market will encourage technological innovation that will normalize prices. In fact, Princess Twilight and I are involved in discussions—”
“Ha ha, you politicians with your silly words. Anyhow, I have a new cupcake flavor, specially prepared for you!!”
“Oh certainly, I—”
Pinkie Pie reached beneath the counter and produced a batch of jet-black cupcakes in one swift motion. As Rose opened her mouth to say, “Those look lovely!” or somesuch, Pinkie Pie had seized a cupcake and jammed it into her mouth. Another eyeblink later, and she realized something wasn’t quite right. Her tongue had been thoroughly inoculated with what was apparently…
THE MOST INCENDIARY SPICE KNOWN TO PONYKIND!
Rose, to her credit, held it in and flashed a smile to the photographer’s camera that the caption in the newspaper would later describe as “quirky”. In the ensuing milliseconds her tongue was transported variously to the lowest depths of Tarturus, the boiling lava pits in the badlands, and Mount Doom.
“I love it,” Rose said, as well as somepony could say with a completely numb tongue, to Pinkie Pie’s diabolical grin.
“I’m working on a few revisions.” Pinkie Pie waved a hoof dismissively as she said this. “If you ever come back to Ponyville, Pinkie Promise me you’ll come back to try it? And I’ll have you know… nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise,” Pinkie said, chillingly.
Her arm cocked itself, like a gun, with a cupcake attached. The threat was obvious. Rose could only nod feebly. There was no way to weasel your way out from under the wrong end of a cupcake-arm.
“Are you sure this is an effort by the Caballan sugar mafia to silence you?” said File.
“I believe it with every bone in my body. If I go back, I’m a dead mare,” said Rose.
“I find this a bit farfetched. To be fair, I wasn’t there, but… I mean…”
File and Soapbox continued with various excuses why things would be fine if she went back to Ponyville. Morose Rose knew she had good instincts, and she felt unconvinced.
It was four A.M. in a darkened alley. Pinkie Pie approached, a crazed look in her eyes.
“I neeeeed sugar,” she said, apparently to nothing but the darkness. “I’ve been trying to get my next delivery for ages!”
A chuckle could be heard as a sinister, deep-voiced figure in a trenchcoat stepped into a slightly-more-well-lit-but-still-quite-dark portion of the alley. “I’ve got what you want. But… I’ve been doing an awful lot of things for you lately, and the price of sugar ain’t gettin’ any better.”
“Name your price,” said Pinkie, with unexpected clarity. “Anything.” Her desperation was obvious.
“You must have heard about the gubernatorial elections in this great state? Well, it turns out your recent troubles can be mostly blamed on a certain Morose Rose. His ‘reforms’ to shut out Caballan sugar plantations have ruined the sugar market, and cost some very rich Caballans a pretty penny. It’s become clear that we need her out. We’ve heard she’s going to campaign a few more times in Ponyville. Put a stop to that. After Rose is out, I assure you, you can buy all the sugar you want.”
“Consider it done, sir. Anything for parties. You got my sample?”
The figure produced a 1-pound bag, which Pinkie Pie practically inhaled immediately. The figure responded with another chuckle.
“Fifteen kilos of Caballa’s finest are waiting at the drop-off point. Have a good evening.” The figure disappeared, and that was all.