The Election Cycle of Life
by Fermat
"Vote to Save your Life! Vote Angel Bunny!" With a gentle push of her wing, Fluttershy lifted the pony-sized banner so she could exit her cottage. With a wary eye she looked at the dozens of hoof-sized signs littered across her walkway. It would be mean to crush them, satisfying but mean. She delicately stepped between them placing each hoof carefully. "Ten times the Strength, Ten times the Compassion" "Queen Leafcutter: Born to Lead" "Backbones are for bullies! William Worm, the flexible candidate." "Increase funding for the Arts, Criminy Cricket Candidate for Governor." After 10 slow minutes she had made it to the end of her path onto the main road, only to see the advertisements, in a panoply of sizes, for the other 375 candidates for Ponyville Animal Governor. She forced a smile on her face and began the trek to town.
At city hall, Mayor Mayor offered Fluttershy a cup of coffee.
"Well, this is what you wanted. Right?"
Fluttershy cast her eyes down. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. Shouldn't we listen to everyone's problems?"
"I understand that there were some issues that needed to be addressed. Bessie was right about the cattle non-bovine representation problem, and I appreciated you and Yona bringing it to our attention. The lack of union representation in Iron Will's goat employees was concerning. I will even concede that discussing the rights and needs of our chicken citizens was noble, but..."
"It just got out of hand, they were coming to me with all their problems so I could tell you. I thought voting for an animal representative would make it easier for everyone."
"I understand, governing is always complicated. Even in a strict monarchy with magically enhanced leadership. But why did you open it to every animal?"
"I didn't want anyone to feel left out.", said Fluttershy.
"Did you know the birds have been engaging in a twitter war? I have citizens who have had to learn sign language to conduct business. The rodents are running an underground campaign to run Snarly the Weasel as a centrist candidate between the prey and predators. The insects are trying to vote as individuals, but the other animals want them as a colony. Pinkie Pie is running and offering baked goods as bribes, which is technically legal, but seems not to be in the spirit of the election. The "Eyes beyond the veil of Tears that Sing for the Dark and the Lost" has registered to represent the eldritch abominations (thank goodness most of them don't understand the concept of organized voting or time). Just our paper usage is up 2500%, Davenport is ecstatic but it makes my bureaucracy untenable."
"Well, it will just be one more day until the voting starts, at least the campaign season will be finished."
"Thank goodness, we only have to deal with a city wide election and its repercussions. Discord has promised to not get involved, correct?"
"Mostly he is enjoying watching the spectacle. Well, he did say that he might help with some of the more complicated campaign promises, that should be fine, right?"
"Sam Mackerel has promised his supporters, and I quote, 'the land dwellers shall be swallowed up as the waters rise. Their children will feed our young and their bones shall be our houses.'"
"Oh dear. I should find out why they are so angry."
Mayor Mayor adjusted her glasses. "That's not exactly the point, he is polling well. I think some of the animals don't understand what he means by governmental support for schooling. He's one of the front runners, and I'd prefer not to have to worry about the bones of my staff being used as condominiums for carp."
"I'm pretty sure Discord won't flood Ponyville.... intentionally.....again..." Fluttershy looked down at her hooves. "I'll discuss it with him."
"Please do, my dear." With a satisfied grimace of determination she began to head back to her desk. "Now, I'm having Ink Stain pick up the ballots for distribution this afternoon and.."
"Ummm..."
Mayor Mayor stopped immediately and turned to face the pegasus. With a heavy sigh, she returned to her desk and laid her head against its cool, nonjudgmental, non-problematic surface. With a slightly muffled voice, "Is there a problem, Miss Fluttershy? Please, do tell."
"Umm, it seems like Snips checked out a book from the library. And left it in the Everfree forest. Don't worry, Twilight is already giving him a lecture on proper book care and respect."
"Yes, that is what I was worried about. Please, continue."
"As it turns out, paper is close enough to wood that it can.."
"I thought it had been decided that Timberwolves did not count as animals for this election."
"The book was on equestrian law. And, they've made the case that since the crystal ponies can be considered full citizens, and since the early triumvirate once declared the wendigos as agents guilty of assault, treason, and general skullduggery that their elemental/conceptual nature doesn't preclude voting rights. They said they're willing to try out this animal level contest rather than try to plead their case as full members of equestrian society."
"You know what? That's fine we'll add their candidate as an addendum with a note in the record that the late filing opens it up for challenge should they win or lose by less than let's say 5%. Is there more?"
"Well, the sponges are still contemplating whether or not they want to be treated as plants. I think they're okay with any outcome. The victims of swamp fever haven't given me an intelligible answer, just mostly screams or sobbing."
"I'll schedule that nightmare for next week. Anything else?"
"Not that I know yet."
"I'm sure that we'll find more after the election.”
Fluttershy pushed her hoof to her chest “Oh dear, what if one of the nasty candidates wins? Flooding, starvation, emotional trauma, an iron-pawed cuniculocracy, or worse. It would be my fault. I'm so sorry, this was never my intention.”
“I understand. Ponyville understands. This just happens, we just have to adjust, adapt, and exploit legal loopholes.”
“What?”
==============================================
Ponyville Press
Two days after the animal gubernatorial election, the winner remains unknown. Six candidates in a dead heat (97 other candidates are seen as long shots, but have not conceded). Roscoe Robin and Grover Goat discuss possible power sharing. Sam Mackerel declares fraud and vengeance. Queen Leafcutter states that she is confident she will be victorious. Pinkie Pie states she will be throwing a victorious-but-not-yet-decided party for all her supporters, and opponents, and passersby, and non-passers-by. Meanwhile, Mayor Mayor states the bylaws of the election will be held to, and all the registered voters will be given their voice.
“The sloths successfully voted late afternoon and their votes were tabulated; once the cicadas have submitted their votes we can announce the winner.” No cicadas were available for comment.
At city hall, Mayor Mayor offered Fluttershy a cup of coffee.
"Well, this is what you wanted. Right?"
Fluttershy cast her eyes down. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. Shouldn't we listen to everyone's problems?"
"I understand that there were some issues that needed to be addressed. Bessie was right about the cattle non-bovine representation problem, and I appreciated you and Yona bringing it to our attention. The lack of union representation in Iron Will's goat employees was concerning. I will even concede that discussing the rights and needs of our chicken citizens was noble, but..."
"It just got out of hand, they were coming to me with all their problems so I could tell you. I thought voting for an animal representative would make it easier for everyone."
"I understand, governing is always complicated. Even in a strict monarchy with magically enhanced leadership. But why did you open it to every animal?"
"I didn't want anyone to feel left out.", said Fluttershy.
"Did you know the birds have been engaging in a twitter war? I have citizens who have had to learn sign language to conduct business. The rodents are running an underground campaign to run Snarly the Weasel as a centrist candidate between the prey and predators. The insects are trying to vote as individuals, but the other animals want them as a colony. Pinkie Pie is running and offering baked goods as bribes, which is technically legal, but seems not to be in the spirit of the election. The "Eyes beyond the veil of Tears that Sing for the Dark and the Lost" has registered to represent the eldritch abominations (thank goodness most of them don't understand the concept of organized voting or time). Just our paper usage is up 2500%, Davenport is ecstatic but it makes my bureaucracy untenable."
"Well, it will just be one more day until the voting starts, at least the campaign season will be finished."
"Thank goodness, we only have to deal with a city wide election and its repercussions. Discord has promised to not get involved, correct?"
"Mostly he is enjoying watching the spectacle. Well, he did say that he might help with some of the more complicated campaign promises, that should be fine, right?"
"Sam Mackerel has promised his supporters, and I quote, 'the land dwellers shall be swallowed up as the waters rise. Their children will feed our young and their bones shall be our houses.'"
"Oh dear. I should find out why they are so angry."
Mayor Mayor adjusted her glasses. "That's not exactly the point, he is polling well. I think some of the animals don't understand what he means by governmental support for schooling. He's one of the front runners, and I'd prefer not to have to worry about the bones of my staff being used as condominiums for carp."
"I'm pretty sure Discord won't flood Ponyville.... intentionally.....again..." Fluttershy looked down at her hooves. "I'll discuss it with him."
"Please do, my dear." With a satisfied grimace of determination she began to head back to her desk. "Now, I'm having Ink Stain pick up the ballots for distribution this afternoon and.."
"Ummm..."
Mayor Mayor stopped immediately and turned to face the pegasus. With a heavy sigh, she returned to her desk and laid her head against its cool, nonjudgmental, non-problematic surface. With a slightly muffled voice, "Is there a problem, Miss Fluttershy? Please, do tell."
"Umm, it seems like Snips checked out a book from the library. And left it in the Everfree forest. Don't worry, Twilight is already giving him a lecture on proper book care and respect."
"Yes, that is what I was worried about. Please, continue."
"As it turns out, paper is close enough to wood that it can.."
"I thought it had been decided that Timberwolves did not count as animals for this election."
"The book was on equestrian law. And, they've made the case that since the crystal ponies can be considered full citizens, and since the early triumvirate once declared the wendigos as agents guilty of assault, treason, and general skullduggery that their elemental/conceptual nature doesn't preclude voting rights. They said they're willing to try out this animal level contest rather than try to plead their case as full members of equestrian society."
"You know what? That's fine we'll add their candidate as an addendum with a note in the record that the late filing opens it up for challenge should they win or lose by less than let's say 5%. Is there more?"
"Well, the sponges are still contemplating whether or not they want to be treated as plants. I think they're okay with any outcome. The victims of swamp fever haven't given me an intelligible answer, just mostly screams or sobbing."
"I'll schedule that nightmare for next week. Anything else?"
"Not that I know yet."
"I'm sure that we'll find more after the election.”
Fluttershy pushed her hoof to her chest “Oh dear, what if one of the nasty candidates wins? Flooding, starvation, emotional trauma, an iron-pawed cuniculocracy, or worse. It would be my fault. I'm so sorry, this was never my intention.”
“I understand. Ponyville understands. This just happens, we just have to adjust, adapt, and exploit legal loopholes.”
“What?”
==============================================
Ponyville Press
Two days after the animal gubernatorial election, the winner remains unknown. Six candidates in a dead heat (97 other candidates are seen as long shots, but have not conceded). Roscoe Robin and Grover Goat discuss possible power sharing. Sam Mackerel declares fraud and vengeance. Queen Leafcutter states that she is confident she will be victorious. Pinkie Pie states she will be throwing a victorious-but-not-yet-decided party for all her supporters, and opponents, and passersby, and non-passers-by. Meanwhile, Mayor Mayor states the bylaws of the election will be held to, and all the registered voters will be given their voice.
“The sloths successfully voted late afternoon and their votes were tabulated; once the cicadas have submitted their votes we can announce the winner.” No cicadas were available for comment.