Isekai of a Telemarketer
by MrMetric
Celestia's eyelids snap open to reveal eyes as bloodshot as Squidward's when SpongeBob invades his bed. Morning has come and again, and unfortunately, she is once again awake. Bleary-eyed, she looks to her clock while slowly blinking away her tiredness. Uuuuggh, she thinks, is it really that time again?
Yes, Princess, it is: All her little ponies are eagerly awaiting this day's raising of the sun, although it's only the thought of her little sister being blamed for the surprise bonus night that lets her resist the allure of closing her eyes for another hour or three.
Lucky, she is prepared for this! You'd think Equestria's beloved Princess raises the sun with a fancy ceremony every day, but you'd be dead wrong. That sort of effort is reserved solely for the Summer Sun Celebration. On most days, her solution is far less grandiose.
With a flick of a forehoof slipped from under her bedcovers faster than you can blink, her Handy Switch™ does the rest! The powerful radiofrequency lets her control any lamp from up to 50 feet away, and what is a star if not nature's largest lamp? Because it's wireless, there were no tools or wiring to worry about, and as for the range, she simply conscripted Twilight Sparkle to magically extend it. It's that easy!
A good 90 minutes later, Celestia opens her eyes again and... doesn't not feel like getting up. The sigh that escapes her muzzle as she slides her blankets off would be audible only to someone with ears.
Her bedroom's carpet is made of the finest wool known to horses, but it's still too hard for this morning. Her hooves daintily find her princess-shoes before a single fiber contacts them. What makes these shoes so much better than a royal carpet? The world's greatest insole, Impact Gel! The contact pounding of being on her hooves all day used to make her horse-ankles, knees, and rump ache, but Impact Gel absorbs more shocking pressure than other insoles.
Her journey to the royal kitchen is one of pressure relief where she needs it most—the heels and frogs of her hooves. Even after enduring the continuous pounding of going across an entire hallway to the kitchen door opposite her bedroom, the gel didn't break down!
Celestia enters the kitchen to see her head chef struggling with the Grater Plater™, the plate that grates.
"Princess, why must we combine a cheese grater with a plate?"
Celestia smiles for the first time today, and says, "Because all the cheese stays in the plate. There is no wrong way to shred cheese to size."
Celestia's mac and cheese breakfest gets a rude interruption when Luna barges into the dining room almost frothing at the mouth.
"Sister, please, I can't take it anymore! Cease using that monkey's ridiculous gadgets!"
At the thought of Billy Mays, Celestia graces the day with a second smile and levitates her fork like a schoolteacher giving a lecture.
"But Luna, everything he sells is so convenient! Why, just yesterday, I repaired a tear in my dress with Mighty MendIt. It's not a glue, but a flexible bonding agent that—"
"Celestia, there's a gathering of concerned ponies at the castle gates! Everypony is worried about you!"
At that, Celestia graces the day with her sixteenth frown and puts the fork down. She sighs again and stands up.
"Alright, I suppose I shall have to speak with them."
But, just as she leaves the table, she knocks over her mug of tea! Luna's eyes dilate in fear as she knows exactly what's coming next.
With a sparkle and pop from Celestia's horn, a bright yellow cloth appears in her telekinetic grip.
"Did you know, Luna, that Zorbeez is the most absorbent material I've ever used?"
On contact, her Zorbeez attracts the spilled tea like a magnet!
"You know, sister, this could be coffee, soda, or red wine; the X27 fiber technology can handle it all!"
Luna bitch-slaps the cloth out of her sister's grasp with a hoof that is not protected by an Impact Gel insole.
"Just get out there and reässure your subjects that you haven't turned into nothing but a walking advertisement, please."
With a last wistful glance at the odor-free path of clean Zorbeez left, Celestia capitulates and follows her little sister on a grueling walk out of the castle. Outside, she displays another happy smile when she sees one of the gardeners using the Awesome Auger. Now there's a mare who loves a beautiful garden but won't have blisters and backaches!, she wisely thinks instead of saying out loud.
At the front gate, she flies up and perches on top much like Philomena would, prompting Luna to facehoof at her sister's lack of shame.
Princess Celestia looks out at the sea of concerned little pony faces looking at her sadly as if she's a family member with metastasized cancer and two months to live. At this time of day, the Sun™ is at Celestia's back, and upon feeling its inviting heat, she spreads her wings wide. The sight of her regal wingspan backlit by a bright summer day brings smiles back to her subjects's faces, but the moment is shattered at Discord's laughter.
Everypony looks around madly for him, but he's nowhere to be seen, until...! The sun turns into his face!
"Congratulations, Celestia. You've fallen for my ruse! I've coaxed you into a snafu! You are this tricked!"
And the sun shatters and its shards fall from the sky. The sun juice sprays from each piece, leaking everywhere! The crowd screams in shock and dismay! Yet, all are silent when Celestia's voice booms out:
"Have no fear, my little ponies. Mighty Putty is not a glue, but a super-powered epoxy that you can mold to any shape and apply directly to most any surface for an everlasting bond."
Her special bond with the sun lets her instantly find all the pieces, and she telekinetically lifts them into place and smushes them into a huge green glob of Mighty Putty.
"Here's something you can't do with glue:"
She kneads with her magic grip and presses firmly, and the Mighty Putty activates, turning white and sealing the leaks instantly!
"There's nothing you can't do with Mighty Putty."
One more dab of putty right on the sky, looking as if it were another distant star, and she presses the sun-putty ball back into place.
The citizens gaze in awe at the sun filled with cracks yet retaining all of its hot Sunny D as if nothing happened.
Celestia returns to the courtyard, and Luna excitedly hugs her tightly.
"You were right after all, sister! Mighty Putty did pay for itself the first time!"
Wedding bells ring in Canterlot. Celestia and Billy Mays finally admitted to each other what everypony could already see. Luna beams with tears of joy.
"I do."
"I do."
Horse and monkey lips lock in an unholy union.
Princess and Salesman separate and gaze into each others's eyes lovingly. Celestia asks her husband, "So, what's the next step of your master plan?"
And Billy replies, "I need about treefiddy."
Suddenly, Celestia's gaze goes up, and up, and up... Billy Mays stands above her looking down with big red eyes!
It was about that time she noticed her adorable little primate husband was 500 feet tall and a lizard from the paleolithic era.
That's all I got, judgeman. I thought it would be funny to write a wedding invitation in the style of a Billy Mays ad, and at the end, they double the offer by announcing there'll be two marriages at once (Luna's?), but I don't have time to write that.
Last year, I wrote barely anything and mostly wrote about my own frustrations with spending most of the two hours doing nothing. This time, I had about 400 mg of caffeine! I hope you enjoyed my old-school shitpost :^)
Yes, Princess, it is: All her little ponies are eagerly awaiting this day's raising of the sun, although it's only the thought of her little sister being blamed for the surprise bonus night that lets her resist the allure of closing her eyes for another hour or three.
Lucky, she is prepared for this! You'd think Equestria's beloved Princess raises the sun with a fancy ceremony every day, but you'd be dead wrong. That sort of effort is reserved solely for the Summer Sun Celebration. On most days, her solution is far less grandiose.
With a flick of a forehoof slipped from under her bedcovers faster than you can blink, her Handy Switch™ does the rest! The powerful radiofrequency lets her control any lamp from up to 50 feet away, and what is a star if not nature's largest lamp? Because it's wireless, there were no tools or wiring to worry about, and as for the range, she simply conscripted Twilight Sparkle to magically extend it. It's that easy!
A good 90 minutes later, Celestia opens her eyes again and... doesn't not feel like getting up. The sigh that escapes her muzzle as she slides her blankets off would be audible only to someone with ears.
Her bedroom's carpet is made of the finest wool known to horses, but it's still too hard for this morning. Her hooves daintily find her princess-shoes before a single fiber contacts them. What makes these shoes so much better than a royal carpet? The world's greatest insole, Impact Gel! The contact pounding of being on her hooves all day used to make her horse-ankles, knees, and rump ache, but Impact Gel absorbs more shocking pressure than other insoles.
Her journey to the royal kitchen is one of pressure relief where she needs it most—the heels and frogs of her hooves. Even after enduring the continuous pounding of going across an entire hallway to the kitchen door opposite her bedroom, the gel didn't break down!
Celestia enters the kitchen to see her head chef struggling with the Grater Plater™, the plate that grates.
"Princess, why must we combine a cheese grater with a plate?"
Celestia smiles for the first time today, and says, "Because all the cheese stays in the plate. There is no wrong way to shred cheese to size."
Celestia's mac and cheese breakfest gets a rude interruption when Luna barges into the dining room almost frothing at the mouth.
"Sister, please, I can't take it anymore! Cease using that monkey's ridiculous gadgets!"
At the thought of Billy Mays, Celestia graces the day with a second smile and levitates her fork like a schoolteacher giving a lecture.
"But Luna, everything he sells is so convenient! Why, just yesterday, I repaired a tear in my dress with Mighty MendIt. It's not a glue, but a flexible bonding agent that—"
"Celestia, there's a gathering of concerned ponies at the castle gates! Everypony is worried about you!"
At that, Celestia graces the day with her sixteenth frown and puts the fork down. She sighs again and stands up.
"Alright, I suppose I shall have to speak with them."
But, just as she leaves the table, she knocks over her mug of tea! Luna's eyes dilate in fear as she knows exactly what's coming next.
With a sparkle and pop from Celestia's horn, a bright yellow cloth appears in her telekinetic grip.
"Did you know, Luna, that Zorbeez is the most absorbent material I've ever used?"
On contact, her Zorbeez attracts the spilled tea like a magnet!
"You know, sister, this could be coffee, soda, or red wine; the X27 fiber technology can handle it all!"
Luna bitch-slaps the cloth out of her sister's grasp with a hoof that is not protected by an Impact Gel insole.
"Just get out there and reässure your subjects that you haven't turned into nothing but a walking advertisement, please."
With a last wistful glance at the odor-free path of clean Zorbeez left, Celestia capitulates and follows her little sister on a grueling walk out of the castle. Outside, she displays another happy smile when she sees one of the gardeners using the Awesome Auger. Now there's a mare who loves a beautiful garden but won't have blisters and backaches!, she wisely thinks instead of saying out loud.
At the front gate, she flies up and perches on top much like Philomena would, prompting Luna to facehoof at her sister's lack of shame.
Princess Celestia looks out at the sea of concerned little pony faces looking at her sadly as if she's a family member with metastasized cancer and two months to live. At this time of day, the Sun™ is at Celestia's back, and upon feeling its inviting heat, she spreads her wings wide. The sight of her regal wingspan backlit by a bright summer day brings smiles back to her subjects's faces, but the moment is shattered at Discord's laughter.
Everypony looks around madly for him, but he's nowhere to be seen, until...! The sun turns into his face!
"Congratulations, Celestia. You've fallen for my ruse! I've coaxed you into a snafu! You are this tricked!"
And the sun shatters and its shards fall from the sky. The sun juice sprays from each piece, leaking everywhere! The crowd screams in shock and dismay! Yet, all are silent when Celestia's voice booms out:
"Have no fear, my little ponies. Mighty Putty is not a glue, but a super-powered epoxy that you can mold to any shape and apply directly to most any surface for an everlasting bond."
Her special bond with the sun lets her instantly find all the pieces, and she telekinetically lifts them into place and smushes them into a huge green glob of Mighty Putty.
"Here's something you can't do with glue:"
She kneads with her magic grip and presses firmly, and the Mighty Putty activates, turning white and sealing the leaks instantly!
"There's nothing you can't do with Mighty Putty."
One more dab of putty right on the sky, looking as if it were another distant star, and she presses the sun-putty ball back into place.
The citizens gaze in awe at the sun filled with cracks yet retaining all of its hot Sunny D as if nothing happened.
Celestia returns to the courtyard, and Luna excitedly hugs her tightly.
"You were right after all, sister! Mighty Putty did pay for itself the first time!"
Wedding bells ring in Canterlot. Celestia and Billy Mays finally admitted to each other what everypony could already see. Luna beams with tears of joy.
"I do."
"I do."
Horse and monkey lips lock in an unholy union.
Princess and Salesman separate and gaze into each others's eyes lovingly. Celestia asks her husband, "So, what's the next step of your master plan?"
And Billy replies, "I need about treefiddy."
Suddenly, Celestia's gaze goes up, and up, and up... Billy Mays stands above her looking down with big red eyes!
It was about that time she noticed her adorable little primate husband was 500 feet tall and a lizard from the paleolithic era.
That's all I got, judgeman. I thought it would be funny to write a wedding invitation in the style of a Billy Mays ad, and at the end, they double the offer by announcing there'll be two marriages at once (Luna's?), but I don't have time to write that.
Last year, I wrote barely anything and mostly wrote about my own frustrations with spending most of the two hours doing nothing. This time, I had about 400 mg of caffeine! I hope you enjoyed my old-school shitpost :^)