“And now,” Pinkie Pie proudly proclaimed, hoof lifted to the heavens, “the ponies of Ponyville proudly present: Cosmic Horror, the Musical!”

As fine wine spills from a freshly opened cask, so music spilled out of the air around that pink pony -- subtle, luxurious, intoxicating, and as an epicurean might detect subtle notes of oak or fruit in a glass, so the ear could discern a dozen instruments each skillfully laid atop the other.

And then, she sang.

In her hubris Twilight opened up a gateway to the solar realm
And the ponies of Ponyville were by evil spirits overwhelmed
Now she can’t close the portal and has endangered all Equestria
And I can’t rhyme with that last verse because I have dyslexia

She paused to take a deep breath, the supernatural music around her respectfully pausing to allow her the moment.

Twilight thought it would be nice to see the homeland of the alicorns,
But that plan quickly ran into a pretty nasty patch of thorns,
Turns out that while Celestia is nice and sweet and kind and good,
In the cosmic sense she is from a pretty dangerous neighborhood

And when the ponies of Ponyville came together behind Pinkie Pie to sing the chorus line, eyes aglow, crowns ablaze with the radiance of solar laurels, it was such a magnificent performance the listener might be moved to tears. And if some of the performers also had tears streaming down their faces, and if their happy expressions did not match their wild and panicked eyes, then that was hardly a concern. Background singers in musical numbers frequently sang with their eyes closed.

A pretty dangerous neighborhood.
A pretty dangerous neighborhood!
She is from a pretty dangerous place (a realm, a solar realm, high above)!

The creatures of the solar realm, they like light and joy and song,
And if you are now thinking well, “What about that could be wrong?”
Then see how Twilight made her goof, and how wrong all this went,
Because the spirits of that realm don’t like the concept of consent.

We don’t need permission to do it right.
Mortals will come to love our might.
The world will be full of song and light!
And light, and light, and light.

Now the ponies of Ponyville are but puppets to the spirit’s will,
Except for Twilight Sparkle whom they are determined to kill,
Because she’s trying to banish them out of the realm material,
Kick them out of flesh and blood and back to worlds ethereal.

Kick us out of flesh and blood and back to worlds ethereal!

Pinkie Pie and every other pony singing stood there as the song wrapped up. There was an instrumental section at the end, a beautiful, flowery thing done primarily with string instruments. If any symphony in Canterlot could play with half as much grace as those otherworldly composers, they would receive rave reviews, accolades, become the stuff of legends.

And Pinkie Pie stood as still as a statue for the duration, staring straight ahead, expression blank. Her head was backlit by a solar laurel, and her eyes glowed so brightly one could hardly tell they were bloodshot. Those radiant eyes darted wildly from side to side, seeking like a cornered animal any way out of her present situation. But her expression never changed.

She hoped the spirit remembered to blink soon.

*****

Twilight hid in the one place she was certain the spirits would never look -- Applejack’s outhouse.

Why would they? They came from a place without matter, where all that was was the interaction of platonic ideals with the song of the celestial spheres. They didn’t eat, except when doing so embodied some concept of splendor in food. They didn’t drink, except when doing so would produce some heavenly, transcendent sensation. And they certainly, certainly didn’t shit.

In fact, since the mob of luminous spirits poured out of the portal, Twilight hadn’t seen any of the ponies in Ponyville visit the outhouse. While this offered some comfort in Twilight’s otherwise horrifying situation, it also put a relatively short time limit on how she had to banish the creatures. How long could a pony go without urinating before they suffered serious kidney problems? Twilight wasn’t sure exactly, but wasn’t inclined to have to explain that a pony died from kidney blockage because she was too slow to save the day.

And so she put her eye to the crescent-moon window on the outhouse door and carefully observed the Apple farm.

Applebloom was the easiest to spot. She was with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, the three cutie mark crusaders off on another magical adventure. Eyes aglow, heads lit by golden laurels, they were running through the orchard gripped in the throes of youthful joy. Oh, how splendid it is to be truly young, to see the world for the first time and to know pure emotion. It would be heartwarming, if Twilight hadn’t seen them doing it uninterrupted for the last several hours even after Scooaloo started to look increasingly tired.

Applejack, Big Mac, and Sugar Belle were all sitting up at the table out in front of the farmhouse, kegs of apple cider piled high around them. They laughed, they loved, they sang, they savored the simple perfection of their golden nectar. It was the very picture of joyful farm life, if one ignored that they occasionally had to throw up from excessive alcohol consumption, and after got right back into it.

And Granny Smith? Well, she was rocking back and forth in her rocking chair, in what Twilight supposed must be a very picturesque or moving way. Personally, she didn’t see the appeal, but whatever.

In the several hours she’d been hiding in the outhouse, the Apple family had not deviated from this routine once, the spirits seemingly lacking any desire for variety. Timing her exit carefully for when the Cutie Mark crusaders were out of line of sight, Twilight nudged open the outhouse door and zipped around to the far side, dipping low into the tall grass and starting to crawl back towards Ponyville.

The spellbook that allowed her to open the portal to the solar realm, and which would allow her to close it, was currently in her crystal castle in the middle of town. Unfortunately, it was sitting on her reading stand directly next to the still-open portal -- and the host of possessed ponies still guarding it.

*****

As the sun crept towards the horizon, Rarity stepped into the middle of the Ponyville square before Twilight’s castle. Golden light shone from every one of the palace’s windows, the telltale of the portal still open inside, but light from a single structure could not mask the fading light from the sun above. Rarity’s golden laurels and glowing eyes stood out all the sharper by contrast, and she shivered as through the touch of shadow was winter’s chill.

As we come to know this mortal notion of time,
And the light we admired loses its glow,
It seems that this realm has lost its shine,
And back to our homeland we must go.

But in this world there are other sources of light,
While we patiently await Sol’s return,
So I propose a solution to our plight,

From nowhere, she produced a torch, and with a single spark off her horn set it ablaze.

That this sad little town we must burn.

And such a cheerful little tune it was that started after that, with all the ponies of Ponyville joining in. From the air flowed a quick and happy drumbeat, perfectly timed to match all the little ponies collecting lanterns, torches, oil and matches, anything that could create light. Wooden furniture was piled up in the middle of living rooms, grand bonfires built without any regard for setting the house ablaze.

So long ago in the Solar Realms,
Celestia, our dearest sister,
Betrayed us all when she came here,
And refused to take us with her.

She gave up her golden laurels,
For some silly morals!
That mare she missed the mark,
Adopted a new sister from the dark.

And so it went. It was jaunty, if one was into that sort of thing.

A filly, overwhelmed with a desire to be as close to the wonderful light as possible, doused herself in lamp oil and jumped onto one of the rapidly growing piles of wooden debris.

*****

Twilight was out of time. The sun was setting. She could see the possessed ponies of Ponyville preparing to set their own homes ablaze, burning themselves alive to be close to the firelight. From her hidden position inside the belltower, she could see her castle and the radiant light that poured from within -- but she could also see Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, and two-dozen other golden-eyed ponies guarding the entrance to the castle.

She had only one chance to pull this off.

Spreading her wings and tensing her hindquarters, Twilight leapt out of the belltower with tremendous speed, combining pegasus airpower and earth pony strength to launch herself like a bolt from a crossbow. Gliding would only slow her down, and so she used her wings not for lift, but only for maneuvering. She became a guided ballistic projectile, hurtling towards the front of her castle with such speed the possessed ponies would have mere seconds to react.

She did not arrest her velocity mid-flight, she did not land as Rainbow Dash would have taught her, she simply slammed into the ground and trusted her earth pony magic to protect her, forming a small crater as she hit shoulder first. She landed directly in front of Rarity, and the mob of possessed ponies lunged forward, moving to tackle her as one.

And Twilight drew in a breath.

“Gosh…” There was no magical music to accompany her singing, no transcendent perfection in her performance. And in truth, her voice warbled a bit; it felt off. Yet, she persisted.

“Gosh it disturbs me to see you…” At the last second, Twilight realized Rarity’s name didn’t have the right number of syllables for the song she was ripping off, “my friend! Carrying out such an, uh, evil scheme.” Twilight rose to her hooves, reaching out to indicate Rarity, hoping against hope that that would make her intentions clear.

“Every mare here envies your mane, my love,
Particularly now that it gleams.
There’s no mare in town I admire like you,
You’re truly my favorite horse.
Everypony is awed and inspired by you,
And it’s easy to see why of course!”

Silence hung in the air. A soft chill blew through the streets of Ponyville, carrying with it the smell of kerosene and sulfur. Twilight shut her eyes, hoped against hope, and silence mouthed the words. “No pony…”

And a shudder of relief passed through her, as she heard the mob take a breath.

No pony’s strong like Rarity,
No pony’s quick like Rarity,
No one’s mane is incredibly stylish as Rarity,

The song didn’t work at all. It was the laziest, simplest adaptation Twilight had been able to come up with while crammed into her hiding spot, and she was no composer. The lyrics didn’t fit the meter in the slightly, and despite their otherworldly performance, the singers stumbled through the composition. Yet, they persisted, singing and dancing through a classical Ponyville musical number.

“She’s especially good at dancing towards the portal!” Twilight shouted when her verse came up, and the dancers swung into Twilight’s home. There was her spellbook, still seated on her reading stand before the glowing portal. Yet, two burly possessed earth ponies guarded it, and two pegasi and unicorns as well. And Twilight realized, she had only one chance. She waited for the verse ahead, for the moment to insert the forbidden word.

“Orange!” she yelled at the start of a rhyming verse.

The possessed ponies screamed, they clutched their heads and collapsed to the ground, they cursed Twilight -- and she lunged forward, slamming the book shut. The portal behind the book snapped shut, the light faded, and the laurels and glowing eyes faded from the ponies around her.

Ponies around Twilight groaned, they cried, they called out for help or screamed in relief. All of Ponyville was at once freed from a terrible curse, and there in the middle of it was Twilight. She was both the cause of their suffering and their salvation from it, and as one by one the ponies of Ponyville rose back to their hooves, they looked to her for direction.

And all she could think to say was, "Honestly, I never liked the musical episodes anyway."